Heavenly Now

spring is here

2011-03-22T18:30:00.001-07:00

getting unstuck

2008-06-09T09:30:00.000-07:00

I found myself in an unfortunately not so unusual position this weekend that involved a bag of birthday streamers.

I was preparing the house for my youngest child's birthday party. I had worked diligently all morning to straighten up and clean up and wrap gifts. It was now time to transform the family room into a big top circus tent, only.....where is that bag of crepe streamers? I know I had it out last month for the last birthday party. Hmmm, it's not in any of the usual places and darn it all, if I hadn't actually cleaned my room and rearranged furniture recently! So, where did I put it?

Well, I searched and searched, my frustration increasing and my vision narrowing with the beginnings of a glowing red tinge around the edges. I was getting angry and I could feel myself sinking into what I now call "stuck mode". Manic mode, freak out mode, crazy mode, whatever you call it, I always feel "stuck" and spiralling downward.

It's crazy how such little things will set this off in me. Misplaced keys, indecision about what to wear, lost homework, recipes gone bad, hair refusing to stay in it's styled place, etc. I have memories of such horrible outrages as a teenager. ( Sorry, Mom and Dad!) At those moments I always felt ridiculous and knew it was way out of proportion, but this just fed my frustration. I was angry, angry at myself.

I'm still angry. I'm wanting to learn what exactly it is that I'm so angry about. I'm amazed at the strength of the emotion, the overwhelmingness of such a feeling. I don't like it. I don't want it. But I do not want to deny it, run from it, or hide it. I can suppress it but it eventually pops back up like a jack-in-the-box leering at me.

Well, it can leer all it wants. It can't stay. It won't stay. I'm learning to let go. I'm learning to look at it and release it. I'm learning to unstick. :-) What exactly am I clutching anyway? What am I trying to hold onto? I suppose it is, in the general sense, control and with it all the subtleties of pride and self.

I will continue to turn and face this beast and not be haunted by it any longer. It is a fascinating land to walk in if a bit uncomfortable. Such interesting things to learn about myself.

Back to the streamers. I never did find the bag and have absolutely no idea where it could be, but I did end up unsticking myself and found I still had creativity on my side. I pulled out some colored satin ribbons from my craft drawer and in an inspiration grabbed several rolls of new and unused rolls of toilet paper and hung them from the middle of the ceiling to drape dramatically down the walls creating the allusion of a striped big top, made even more interesting to the children by its humorous and smirk inducing white layers.

Sea Glass

2008-06-06T15:47:00.000-07:00

Finally finished my glass painting. This shot shows some of the texture, sorry it's fuzzy.

Here is a shot of the back using the flash.

The Gift of His Favor

2008-06-05T11:26:00.000-07:00

At a young age he had already advanced well beyond his peers. Educated in the best schools, he was recognized as one of the most influential religious leaders in one of the best-known cities of the world. His morals were impeccable and his wisdom knew no equal.
But all was not as well on the inside as it appeared on the outside. For all his diligence and wisdom, something ate at him deep from within. He was an angry man. He rarely let it show except in acceptable moments of righteous indignation, but in times alone he knew it was there blackening his soul.
His zeal to be the best servant of God in his generation had not led him to the lap of a loving Father, but to the cruel tyranny of his own ego. He had started out with a desire to serve God, but that passion had quickly been consumed by his desire for spiritual status. He loved the looks of admiration and awe that he saw in the eyes of his friends and mentors.
Then one day, on a journey to a distant city he came face to face with the Living God. His encounter was far more dramatic than most. A bright light appeared out of nowhere, knocking him to the ground and blinding his eyes. As he lay there in the dirt, a voice rumbled over his body. "Saul, Saul, why are you persecuting me?"
His next words are quite revealing. "Who are you, Lord?"
He knew he had come face to face with the Living God, and now he wasn't sure who he was. But wait! Didn't the voice say Saul had been persecuting him? Surely Saul must have wondered in those brief seconds, "Could this be Jesus?"
What if it was? Saul had killed so many of his followers and was on his way to kill many more. He regarded them as heretics and sought to crush them and their teaching before they could destroy the faith he had embraced since his youth.
Finally the voice spoke again. "I am Jesus, whom you are persecuting."
His worst fears had been realized. The people he had killed in God's name were in fact God's people. What would come of him now? What punishment awaited him in his blind helplessness? Like a man who closes his eyes, cringing in anticipation of being struck by a raised fist, he slowly realizes that no punch is coming. There was no anger, no vengeance.
Saul, later to become Paul the Apostle, had come face to face with the God he had actively warred against, and in that moment all he found was love. The Jesus he had persecuted loved him. He had not come to punish him, but to open his spiritual eyes to see God not as he imagined him to be, but God as he really was.
In that moment Saul discovered God's favor when he had done absolutely nothing to earn it. Instead of being punished, he received an invitation to come into the family he had tried so hard to destroy. Instead of the death he'd brought to others, he was offered a life that he never knew existed.
Saul was left with one inescapable fact: he had done nothing to propel himself above the favor line, but found himself there nonetheless. He found that Jesus had loved him even when he had no idea who he was. For Jesus had shattered the favor line to free Saul from its tyranny. It changed him more than all he'd previously learned about God.
This is where relationship with God begins. It may sound impossible especially if you've hoped for this in the past and, like the young mother at the beginning of this chapter, you have only been disappointed by how remote he seemed when you needed him the most. All you knew to do was try even harder to be good enough to win his affection.
But such thinking will never lead you closer to him. Instead of teaching you to love him, it only leaves you angry and frustrated that you can't do enough, or that he isn't being fair to you. He wants to break this cycle the only way he can -- by making his favor a gift instead of something you earn.

Excerpt from He Loves Me! by Wayne Jacobsen

vivid color

2008-05-20T11:48:00.000-07:00

Bud

and full blossom.

Looking out of my window I was struck by the vividness of this pink and white petunia.
How does such amazing color come from a green stem?
Or from a tiny seed for that matter?

What an amazing world we live in.

2008-05-12T09:33:00.000-07:00

Marvolous
Obvious
Mom

From my 8 year old son.

Happy Mother's Day!

Along the Way

2008-05-05T09:43:00.000-07:00

The spiritual person knows that there is no difference betwen the sacred and the secular, the material and the spiritual. They are all simply part of the Essence, simply stepping stones along the way to the God who is everything there is or needs to be.

Religion itself is not sacred. And if or when it pretends to be, it can stop a soul in mid-flight from ever being able to find God in the midst of life. Then we make the means the end. Then we take a spiritual process designed to help us find God in life and turn it into God. And that is a weak and pathetic substitute for the very meaning of life, the Essence of all things, the magnate to which our souls cling.

from Welcome to the Wisdom of the World and its meaning for you Joan Chittister

today gardening

2008-04-23T10:42:00.000-07:00

Chocolate cake anyone? Or the view from the worm at the bottom of a pit?

A gardener's meditation...

a mindful drink

2008-04-02T20:09:00.000-07:00

Held to my lips, cool glass, liquid life
Two breaths, in...out...in...out
Slow swallow...tasting...feeling...then smiling
Amazing, just one quick moment pulled me out of myself and into Now.

Royalty free stock photography for websites, PowerPoint, newletters, forums, blogs, schools and homework - FreeDigitalPhotos.net

No extra parts

2008-03-30T10:13:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I come up here at night, even when I'm not fixing the clocks, just to look at the city. I like to imagine that the world is one big machine. You know, machines never have any extra parts. They have the exact number and type of parts they need. So I figure if the entire world is a big machine, I have to be here for some reason. And that means you have to be here for some reason, too.

This is a quote from this amazing book by Brian Selznick, called The Invention of Hugo Cabret.
I loved this book. It is done using lots of hand drawn black and white pictures by the author and some actual photographs as well. The pages of the book are black with white print and the story is about a boy who lives in a hidden apartment in a Paris train station in 1931. This is an incredibly creative book, a work of art.

Seeing in Color

2008-03-28T08:17:00.000-07:00

Black or white... shades of grey.

Black or white...

But, no. Life is color.

In seeking for stability and surety we miss the rainbow that surrounds us.

All is not dark, or lost, or impossible.
Light shines, reflecting, refracting, illuminating...
There is depth, movement, energy.

Artistry we journey amidst with every breath...

Letting go, again.

2008-03-05T11:27:00.000-08:00

the Answer

the Way

the Principle

the Solution

the Example

the Fix

the Truth

the Ah-Haa!

the Pattern

Always searching, striving, reaching, working, sweating, worrying, trying, hoping, wishing, waiting...

"Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart; and you shall find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy, and My load is light." Jesus Christ

"I am the way, the truth, and the life..." Jesus Christ

Yet again I find myself with expectations crashing down like tinkling glass fragments as I realize there really is only one Hope, one Answer. "Maybe this is it! Maybe this will be the one to fix it all." etc. Different things come to mind; parenting, health, finances, dreams, you name it.

I desperately want that infalible thing to hold onto, to be sure of, to stand on...why do I keep looking for it elsewhere???? He has never failed me. He has always been there. He is a Rock. The Rock of Ages.

Ah, I know... it's about letting go again isn't it? Not being in control..hmm. Wow. I like being in control, or at least I trick myself into believing that I do.

Today I'm letting go. Again. Today. Yes.

Naked and Not Ashamed

2008-03-03T12:22:00.000-08:00

I have had lots of fun creating this past year. For a long time I believed that it was not "my thing" to be "creative/artistic". I believe it has something to do with the desire to be original, unique, special, totally different from anyone else, especially siblings. I'm sure Andrea and Richie know what I am talking about. :-) I grew up believing that art was my sister's thing. She was the creative one, and I was..., well, hmmm, do we ever get that figured out?

I have watched this happen with my children. I can see that tension existing as clothes are picked out, as art media is chosen, as activities and books are picked. They don't want to pick the same colors or the same favorites. They struggle to know who they are and where they fit in to the extent that they will forsake the real them for the "different" the "unique".

How much time do we waste trying to figure out who we are instead of enjoying ourselves now. Why do we strive so hard to be something other or more or different or better? I'm not talking about growing, and whoever figured out how to make yourself grow more or faster any way, right? (see previous post) I think I'm talking about loving ourselves.

I think I am finally beginning to get past all that sibling/peer/worldly rivalry stuff and I'm learning to love myself for who I am now. Not who I was, not who I wish I was, not who I will be, but who I am.

And you know what?! I'm beautiful, I'm intelligent, I'm witty, I'm loving, I'm creative, I'm personable, I'm strong, I'm funny! I'm also distractible, I'm stubborn, I'm lazy, I'm a tease, I'm argumentative, and lots more. :-) I'm ME!

I'm enjoying me being me. Thank you God, for making me. I want to see myself the way you see me.

"And God saw all that He had made, and behold, it was very good...And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed." from the book of Genesis.

Naked and not ashamed. I don't want to swap any old fig leaves for the real deal anymore. :-)

Growing Up

2008-02-29T07:43:00.000-08:00

"One, two, th..fffree, four, five, six, seven, aaa..iiight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, fer.., thhhhirteen, ffourteen, ......" Nick practicing his numbers.

We are working on the "th" sound vs. the "f" sound. He is doing great. We looked at flash cards and had a fun time. I love watching them learn and grow.

Poor Nick has had to do a lot of growing up this year, it has not been "fun" all the time. School is sometimes about work, hard work. Other kids are not always nice and not everyone always likes you. Surgery is no fun even if you get gifts and icecream. It is not always comfortable to understand something in a new way, such as adoption.

He has yet to loose any of his baby teeth and tells me he doesn't want to. We have had a few talks about not being able to stop growing from happening and that it is a good thing not a bad thing. I'm not sure he believes me though. :-)

I get to feeling the same way sometimes. Growing takes a while, it isn't always comfortable, and I wish it would be done in an instant. But think of all the moments that would be missed. I think God enjoys watching His children grow and learn just as much as I do. He is smiling too, He is proud, His heart swells with love and admiration as He watches us take those wobbly steps, as we have those "Ah, ha!" moments, and as we look surprised and realize " I did it!", and as we fall down and get back up.

Can't you hear Him? "That was great! You've been working hard. I knew you could do it! I'm so proud of you!"

Sunday Morning Family Time

2008-02-27T09:19:00.000-08:00

Eyes shining, each child secluded in his/her creative cloud of ideas
Connected by an eager hunger for story, family, and togetherness
Color and lines forth coming, splashing and swirling on paper soaking up visions of light, emergence, goodness
Mama and Papa, hearts swelling in gratitude, sharing in the excitement of Creation and it's story.