getting unstuck

I found myself in an unfortunately not so unusual position this weekend that involved a bag of birthday streamers.

I was preparing the house for my youngest child's birthday party. I had worked diligently all morning to straighten up and clean up and wrap gifts. It was now time to transform the family room into a big top circus tent, only.....where is that bag of crepe streamers? I know I had it out last month for the last birthday party. Hmmm, it's not in any of the usual places and darn it all, if I hadn't actually cleaned my room and rearranged furniture recently! So, where did I put it?

Well, I searched and searched, my frustration increasing and my vision narrowing with the beginnings of a glowing red tinge around the edges. I was getting angry and I could feel myself sinking into what I now call "stuck mode". Manic mode, freak out mode, crazy mode, whatever you call it, I always feel "stuck" and spiralling downward.

It's crazy how such little things will set this off in me. Misplaced keys, indecision about what to wear, lost homework, recipes gone bad, hair refusing to stay in it's styled place, etc. I have memories of such horrible outrages as a teenager. ( Sorry, Mom and Dad!) At those moments I always felt ridiculous and knew it was way out of proportion, but this just fed my frustration. I was angry, angry at myself.

I'm still angry. I'm wanting to learn what exactly it is that I'm so angry about. I'm amazed at the strength of the emotion, the overwhelmingness of such a feeling. I don't like it. I don't want it. But I do not want to deny it, run from it, or hide it. I can suppress it but it eventually pops back up like a jack-in-the-box leering at me.

Well, it can leer all it wants. It can't stay. It won't stay. I'm learning to let go. I'm learning to look at it and release it. I'm learning to unstick. :-) What exactly am I clutching anyway? What am I trying to hold onto? I suppose it is, in the general sense, control and with it all the subtleties of pride and self.

I will continue to turn and face this beast and not be haunted by it any longer. It is a fascinating land to walk in if a bit uncomfortable. Such interesting things to learn about myself.

Back to the streamers. I never did find the bag and have absolutely no idea where it could be, but I did end up unsticking myself and found I still had creativity on my side. I pulled out some colored satin ribbons from my craft drawer and in an inspiration grabbed several rolls of new and unused rolls of toilet paper and hung them from the middle of the ceiling to drape dramatically down the walls creating the allusion of a striped big top, made even more interesting to the children by its humorous and smirk inducing white layers.